04.16.21
Dear Readers,
I am writing this entry as an act of faith.
I sit here on the lawn outside of our apartment, staring at the lake in our backyard. I’m trying to get some vitamin D and trying to prepare for whatever it is my Heavenly Father has for my husband and me after a long season of waiting.
I hope this entry is read by those supporting us and praying for our WR journey soon. I try not to tell the Lord what His will should be for us, but I would be lying if I said I had not gotten my hopes up and expressed that in numerous prayers to my Abba. Hopefully, we will know in a few days if Abba agrees with me that the WR would be a promising idea for Isaak and me. ??
As I walked and prayed today, I felt led to begin setting a foundation for us to hit the ground running through this particular door our Father could fling open before us. And that means, at least for now, being vulnerable with all who are reading. It means aiming to give you a glimpse into how the Lord has already begun molding me through this journey. Now, where to begin?
I am someone who thinks in pictures. That is usually how I attempt to convey concepts too, so let me paint a picture for you of my younger self. Fourth grade Madison, to be exact.
This was the phase where my mind was consumed with simple things like how I compared to the other kids in my gym class during physical exams, becoming an expert in how to pursue boys on the playground, and building friendships with girls at church. Amidst all the simple things in my brain, something rather complicated made its debut. Anxiety. I do not know how this began but it manifested itself through a phobia of being sick. I would not even sit down to watch a movie without my mom or dad’s assurance that there was no throwing up in it. All I knew was that being nauseous was horrible and something about being exposed to what I dreaded made me breathe faster and feel like I needed to cry. Every two weeks, I worried and subconsciously convinced myself that I was going to be sick that evening, and I dreaded it throughout the day to the point where I did throw up. Then, believing that the worst was over, I could sleep.
Thankfully my mother and some other Godly women in my life identified that this battle took place in my mind and they helped me fight with their knowledge of the Word, reminding me that I was/ am healed and whole in Christ. I was/am fearfully and wonderfully made, and any thought that whispered ailment to my soul needed to be rebuked and cast on the Lord. With time and dedication to taking my thoughts captive, I stopped manifesting the sickness that caused fear in me and eventually stopped fearing it completely. However, throwing up was not the only thing I found to be anxious about. Throughout my life, certain things caused tightness in my chest and swirling thoughts in my mind that were so loud, I struggled to direct my attention to other topics.
I have learned to identify when I am allowing anxiety to settle in its old stomping ground. But I am not always the best at kicking it out and cannot do that in my own strength. The Lord has both comforted and corrected me in moments of fear when He reminds me daily to “fear not” because He is with me and that He IS the “peace which surpasses understanding.” He has gifted me with determination, refusing to settle since this is not the way He desires me to live. He did not allow His son to die for my freedom so that I could prepare a guest room in my head for worry to reside whenever it came to visit for an indefinite period of time. That’s a space I am still cleaning out daily.
As I walked today, I recognized that I was blind to new anxious thoughts creeping in, the fear of foreign territory in my marriage if the Lord DOES open the door for us to do missions through the WR. The majority of our time dating, we were long distance, and for the entirety of our marriage, we have worked opposite shifts. We have never known a reality in which we have abundant time together. And it is HARD, but we’ve learned to cope. Despite how excited I am at the prospect of traveling the world with my best friend, doing ministry for our Savior together– no matter how much LIFE it gives me to imagine the upcoming season of beautiful transformation– there is still a hesitancy that we won’t get it right, somehow. That this wonderful thing could be anything but wonderful for us because we are broken.
And I am glad I noticed myself becoming discouraged by those things, because it is time to bind them up, in Jesus’ name. This is not the same as ignoring potential obstacles or wearing rose-colored glasses. It is declaring that the Lord’s plans for us are GOOD and that He would not open the doors for us to be here if it were not for His glory and for our benefit. He cares about our marriage and will supply us with the resources to guard it, no matter the confrontation. He will rejuvenate us in a NEW season after a season that feels remarkably like drought. He will grow abundant fruit in us that otherwise may have remained stagnant. And Matthew 6 reminds me that God provides food for the sparrows and splendor for the lilies, so I have NO reason to believe that He will not supply. Every. Single. Thing. Whether that is the need for peace, the need for health, or the need for unity in our young marriage, He has storehouses of it, ready to pour out in accordance to His grace and GOOD plans for those than love Him and have been called according to His purpose!
So I rejoice in freedom and give thanks for a journey that will continue to stretch my faith in the presence of a strong and gracious God. I am thrilled to share this with our partners because I know that the Lord is going to do some incredible things. I pray they encourage you as much as they do me. And I am telling you now, both for accountability and as a declaration – anxiety will have NO room here!
